Lost and Grey

The moment the sliding door opened, Harish pushed himself into the compartment with all his might. It appeared almost impossible to fit inside; it was already surging with passengers.

“Don’t wait for another train, board the first one” shrieked his inner voice. Some effort of his and a larger effort from the passengers behind him, desperate to board, propelled him inside. Once inside, he jostled for space to at least stand on his feet.

“Don’t stamp your feet on mine” growled someone.

“Insensitive and impatient guys, there is always a train behind, why this train only” someone from far inside chirred.

The doors closed, announcement made, and the train whooshed leaving the thronging passengers to adjust on their own. Harish stood sandwiched between two burly men.

“No problem is permanent, just few more minutes of trouble. This is such a small problem; you have overcome so many larger problems, just stay calm” his inner voice silenced his rising anger and restlessness. It was just twenty minutes of journey and he faced this chaos daily. The rush was maddening only the first ten minutes and then it would start waning. The next stoppage arrived; more people embarked pushing him further inside.

“You are pushing me, can’t you hold the straphangers” It was a lady. She spoke in a strong British accent. Her fair face glowed in the flickering tube light, she had a wealthy appearance.

“I’m sorry” he murmured and tried to withstand the rushing force. Sweat beads formed on his face but it was arduous to even pull out his hanky. “Relax, simply relax” his inner voice tried to soothe him. And then, as if like a lightening, it occurred to him “This lady looks familiar” He turned slightly for a glimpse of her face. She was clearly and unmistakably Naina. Her slim frame has given way to a round and rotund built. Her silky long hair, mostly loose, was now grey in the roots, the tinge of colour visible, tied in a bun. Her attire was also opposite in nature, she wore denim and white cotton casual top. And, there was an elegant leather sling bag, generally carried by tourists especially if travelling abroad.

The rush had now petered out. He could see his reflection on the glass door. His once bouncing hairs were now grey and cropped. His powerful shoulders were stooped and his paunch clearly visible. His chiselled face was now fleshy and crow’s feet would creep around his eyes when he smiled. He wore ordinary clothes and a pair of open-toed sandals. Not a single day passed without her thoughts and now after these many years he finally found her and that too here. None of his friends knew about her whereabouts and she was mysteriously missing even in the digital social world.

“I just can’t get married, you will have to do something” She had wept in her bridal dress while he stood like a statue. Just out of his teens, still in college, he wasn’t prepared to fight for his love.

“A girl can love only once, what about your promises, please do something, do not let me go” she had pulled his bush shirt tearing out few buttons. Her tears soaking his shirt.

“But, I haven’t finished my college yet, I have to build a career, you know I cannot shatter my parents’ dream of seeing me successful” he had minced his words while untangling from her.

“You are a coward, go and hide in your mother’s pallu” She had wailed. He had seen anger, hatred and horror in her eyes.

“Naina, Naina…” he had called and ran behind her. She picked up a pebble and threw at him, wiped her tears, turned for the last time and ran on the deserted street. He could hear the jingling sound of her anklets and then gradually the music of shehnai filled the atmosphere. He stood there, defeated and sobbing. Two hearts broke that evening.

The announcement on the arrival of yet another station broke his musing. He lifted his eyes to look at her and their eyes met. He was still standing close to her even though there was enough room now in the compartment. Even she hadn’t moved away.

“Twenty five years” he murmured.

“No, twenty five years and four months” she said looking unblinkingly at his eyes. He suddenly felt ashamed of himself.

“Look…” He started but his voice was interrupted by the announcement. Yet another station. The doors opened and she walked out with decisive steps. He gazed at her; he wanted to run after her but his feet were frozen. The glass doors closed and the train zoomed. He saw her turn for the last time and tried reading her moving lips. Her eyes had pity this time.

She perhaps said “Loser”.

 ....

The beer bottle opened with a bubble pop. Harish glugged the frothy liquid, mark of celebration. It was quite late in the night and he walked around his ancestral house with the bottle in hand. It was a big one, several decades old, plaster peeling from walls and the old domestic help unable to maintain the cleanliness anymore. On other days, Harish returned home with a sullen and ill-tempered mood but today he was relaxed and cheerful. He tried to smell the floral, spicy and sweet whiff from his shirt, it wasn’t there, his sweat has spoiled it but he imagined the heavenly smell still existed. He lit a cigarette, exhaled rings of smoke, and reflected with delight the epoch-making event of the day.

Soon after the metro doors closed and Naina stroke away he suddenly felt the urgency to meet her. It all happened so fast that it took time for him to grasp the situation, even before he could have responded, she was out and the doors closed behind him. He restlessly stamped his feet for the train to reach the next station, it was just over a minute but it appeared like ages. He sprinted out the moment the doors opened, luckily another train on the opposite direction also arrived. He boarded it and reached at the station where she had alighted. Not more than five minutes must have elapsed in between but that was much enough time for people to disappear mysteriously and not to meet again in life, ever.

He walked two steps at a time; the escalator was full, no one wanting to climb the stairs. Once in the mezzanine floor, he scurried towards the exit, there were four exits and he randomly chose one. He dashed passed the common area and then stopped. He turned and walked back. His mind had processed several possibilities. She would wait was the tiniest hope but that turned out to be true. Naina was standing, surely waiting for him. He was panting when he reached her.

“Thank God! You waited” he said trying to catch his breath.

She was mellower now and smiled looking at him. He had his hands on his thighs and body half bent, huffing and puffing.

A little later, in a nearby café, while sipping coffee, he said “I thought I would never get to meet you again in this life”

She dismissed his apprehension and rather posed a straight question “You look frail, your wife doesn’t take good care of you or what”

He laughed and said “I’m no more a spring chicken after all. And, I live alone, separated long back, parents dead and no close relatives except for the grumpy caretaker”

“Sorry to hear about the death of your parents, they were nice people” She paused for while and asked “You got separated, why? You were expected to be an ideal husband material, an agreeable companion and extremely compliant”

He could sense a hint of scoff in her observation but he merely smiled and said “People change, I must have become detached from life. I lived my life with guilt and cursed myself for being coward. I did get married at the insistence of my parents but agreed immediately for separation when I was charged with extreme self-obsession. I was drowned in my career and had lost the ability to love, I only had bitterness. The marriage didn’t last for even a year”

She gazed at him and he could see her eyes brimming up. She gestured him to continue.

“I worked in Bangalore. Both my parents died in quick succession last year. Since then I abandoned my rewarding career and got associated with a college here” He stopped abruptly and proposed “Please excuse me for a while, I need to smoke”

“Wait, I will also join you” She said while digging out a sleek packet from her bag.

It was surprising for him to see her smoke but a lot of water has flowed under the bridge since they parted. It is said that people change after every seven years; here they have left behind several such seven years.

“And what about you, where have you been all these years”

She stuffed the cigarette and said “I moved to US soon after marriage. My marriage didn’t last for long, one morning I found myself all alone. He was gone. However, I had my infant daughter with me”

“And then”

She looked away thoughtfully and said “Returning to my parents’ place was ruled out; they had washed their hands of me by giving away in marriage. I made up my mind to fight. I toiled day and night in a store job while my daughter languished in a crèche. With time, time changed and we could rise from the rubble”

She paused for a while and spoke with pride “Today my daughter is a qualified doctor, she has made a name for herself and I have no regrets”

Harish touched her shoulder and said “And I’m proud of you”

In the very next moment she broke down. Harish instinctively embraced her. She had tears the way she had those many years ago. She was in the prime of her youth then and now at the dawn of her youth. She was vulnerable then and now he was. The fragrance and tenderness was the same.

“Am I dreaming or miracles do happen” he thought.